


If You Want To

by Kimra



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Asexuality, Awkward Bucky, Bucky loves Steve and would do anything for him, Gen, GreyAce, Homoromantic, I Tried, I'm sorry if I've gotten the official terminology wrong, No Sex, Romantic attraction, Steve loves Bucky just as much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 18:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6818500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimra/pseuds/Kimra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky doesn’t dislike sex. He just doesn’t like it either. But for Steve he’s willing to try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Want To

Bucky doesn’t dislike sex. He just doesn’t like it either.

When Steve finds out they’re older than they look and on the tail end of a hundred fights for their lives. Steve looks stricken, and Bucky wonders if maybe Steve had wanted to fuck him all along. He’s not good at those cues so he offers.

“What?” Steve recoils from Bucky on the couch.

“I’m just saying, if you want to.” Bucky keeps his eyes on the skyline out the window. It’s easier with girls, with people who aren’t his best friend. But this is also more important.

“Why would you want to-“ Steve falls silent. Bucky tracks the mans reflection in the TV screen rather than letting his eyes slide to the man himself. Steve is pulled back, but his focus is laser sharp and fixed on Bucky. One big hand rubs over Steve’s face in the reflection. Bucky clenches his metal hand knowing he’s read this wrong. “I’m not against it.” Steve says slowly, caution all over his tone.

Bucky’s not ready to handle this, he stands up and makes his retreat to the kitchen. Neither of them get drunk, but he thinks Sam left some beers in there.

“You want a drink?” He calls back into the lounge room hoping to turn this whole thing off before it can start. Steve doesn’t answer, but Bucky hears the soft pad of bare feet stepping up close behind him. He lets the tension drop out of his body and tries to lean back into Steve’s body. He’s not familiar with the mechanics of homosexuality but he’s sure Steve will figure it out if it’s what he wants.

He’s stopped mid motion by Steve’s hands on his shoulders, holding them firmly apart.

“Buck.” His voice has as much command as caution, like he’s jumping into a minefield with intent but speaking too loud will set them all off.

“Beer, Rogers.” He tries to move away, but Steve doesn’t let him go and he’s trapped in the doorway of the fridge with Steve Rogers obstinately behind him. The cold air tickles against his skin.

“Buck, you just said you don’t like sex.” Steve reminds him.

Bucky shrugs the hands off his shoulders, grabs a beer, and turns to glare at his best friend. “So?” He watches the tight little frown pull across Steve’s brow and can’t think of anything to stop it. He hadn’t meant to cause an issue.

“Why would you want to have sex with me, if you don’t like sex?” He’s twisting it around in his head like it’s a puzzle. Bucky’s used to this expression, and he’s used to Steve’s clever brain getting to the answer, eventually. Bucky might want to escape the encounter, but he’s not dumb enough to think he can.

“I thought you were interested.” He shrugs again and pushes his way out of the kitchen where the cold tiles are cutting into his feet and reminding him of better times. He listens to the man following him but keeps his eyes fixed away from him.

“Buck-“

“Steve,” Bucky interrupts before he has to hear whatever it is Steve’s going to say. He should have known Steve wouldn’t want that kind of thing. “If you don’t wanna fuck me, you don’t gotta be nice about it.” He flicks the top off the beer with his metal thumb and takes a large swig.

Steve gets in his face by sitting on the little table in front of him. Tension tightens his chest.

“I don’t mind,” Steve says, resting a hand on Bucky’s knee to keep him still, like he knows how much Bucky wants to escape, “I don’t mind if you want to sleep with me, Buck. But I don’t understand why you would if you don’t like it.”

“I don’t not like it.” Bucky throws his head back so he can stare at the roof and not Steve. “I just… don’t like like it.”

“Explain it to me, Buck.” Steve, the bull-headed fool, doesn’t move.

“It’s just-“ Bucky holds his beer a little tighter against the panic, “I love you.” His breathing is too fast, his chest too tight, but he wont take it back.

“I love you too, Buck.” Steve replies, parroted, honest, but it’s not what Bucky means.

“Steve, I ‘love you’ love you. Like you’re mum loved your dad. Like you loved that broad- Peggy.” He remembers her name, how could he not remember the girl Steve looked at like that? “And, I thought maybe- Maybe you wanted to have sex. So I offered, see?”

“Bucky,” Steve leans closer, and Bucky wonders if now Steve wants to have sex. But instead Steve gets his fingers in Bucky’s hair and forces his head off the back off the couch so their eyes meet. “I love you too.” His face is earnest so Bucky believes him against the odds, because Steve doesn’t lie like that. Steve smiles crookedly, “Like my mum loved my dad,” because he likes to be clear. “But I need you to explain the sex thing.” Bucky tenses, and Steve holds him fast. “Come on Buck, it’s me.” He cajoles, “You know I wont mind, whatever you say.”

Bucky feels the tension in his chest snap, the zing of hope flare through him, and he does what he always does: he throws his faith into Steve. “It’s okay,” he starts, “sex is… I just don’t rate it. You got a girl under you, and you’re doing all the things you know you’re supposed to do, and it’s working fine but I’m wondering how much longer it’s going to go, I’m wondering what time it is, and how far I have to walk before I can crawl into my bed. And she’s pretty, and she’s nice, and I had a good time, but sex is just… nothing.”

“It’s okay,” Steve reassures with a look of understanding, “you’ve been through a lot and sometimes-“

“No.” Bucky cuts in, because Dr Adler had gone through enough of those speeches that he could recognise it before it was even begun. “It’s always. It’s before the war too.” He’s not prepared to see the relief on Steve’s face, like Bucky has eased a burden from his shoulders. He’s not sure what it means exactly.

“And with men?” Steve’s been in this modern world long enough to know things aren’t the same as they were, but Bucky thinks Steve would never have judged a man for liking other men.

He shrugs in answer, “I don’t know. Maybe I’d like it? Never tried it with a man.” He’s looking at Steve still, at that expression of earnest faith, and he has to look way to continue because he can’t lie to Steve but he knows he’s a disappointment. “But if you want to, maybe we could leave the radio on?”

“So you… don’t get bored?” Steve tests.

Bucky shrugs again, pulls a sip of beer and twists his head out of Steve’s hold. The roof is looking interesting again.

“I just thought you might want to, is all. I’d do it, if you wanted.”

Steve gets up, its careful and measured and Bucky listens to every breath of it. Then Steve goes to get his own beer, and when he returns whatever tension had tightened him up is gone. Bucky goes to ask, but Steve sits next to him on the couch, throws his arm across Bucky’s shoulders and without a word he drinks his beer.

Slowly the comfort and quiet sinks into Bucky’s muscles, and he leans against Steve’s shoulders because he thinks that’s allowed now. The arm over his own tightens encouragingly, and in the peace they drink their beers.

And Steve never asks for more, and Bucky forgets to offer, but it’s still exactly what they want.


End file.
